Main description:

So you've watched the movies This Is Spinal Tap and Monty Python and the Holy Grail a hundred times each, and now you desire another brilliant opus to tickle your cranial sponge in a similar fashion. Well, look no further, fellow Berzerkers! Golden god Zakk Wylde and his brother-in-Metal Eric Hendrikx are about to take you on a Black Label Crusade of World Tour Domination, sharing never-before-told stories of backstage lunacy and Metal-maniacal anecdotes for the aspiring Berzerker like you.

Why would you need to buy this book about a modern-day Viking who strums his own fiddle for a living? You'd better ask yourself one simple question: Would you rather have us come beat the money out of you, or do you want to give it up the easy and painless way?

As a twenty-five-year veteran of the Ozzy Osbourne band and Black Label Society, Zakk Wylde has managed not only to stay alive against all odds but has also survived numerous attacks on his life by members of his own band, his wife, his children, his manager, and even his dogs. Among deranged tales of onstage indecent exposure and booze-fueled destruction, Wylde continues your Metal awakening with the sacred founding myths—explaining, for instance, how the forging of Metal in Valhalla begot the Black Label Empire—and lays out the battle-tested Rules of the Road.

For the young Metal Loki, Wylde offers exclusive tips on how not to make it in the business, insights about planning your band's tour and outfitting the Black Vatican recording studio, plus more useful advice on how to set up a shooting range on a tour bus and how to survive a mosh pit. Bringing Metal to the Children will make you laugh, weep, vomit—maybe even soil yourself—and if you aspire to new heights of Metal mayhem, get on the bus and get ready for the Metal ride of your life.

Review quote:

“If Zakk Wylde did not exisit, we would have to build him like Frankenstein’s monster. The hands of Randy Rhoads sewn onto the body of Conan the Barbarian implanted with the brain of Larry David.”

Review quote:

“In my opinion, Zakk Wylde is the f*cking best guitarist in the world. He curses like a f*cking marine and knows more about f*cking music than anybody I’ve ever f*cking met. I hope you can use this f*cking opinion.”

Review quote:

“When Zakk plays, it’s like Guitarmageddon!! An audio assault coming from his fret board, the ture meaning of a guitar hero.”

Review quote:

“Zakk Wylde is one of the true Heavy Metal guitar heroes of his generation. They don’t come much beter than Zakk!”

Review quote:

“Zakk Wylde. Great Player. Great Sound. Great friend.”

Short description/annotation:

Bringing Metal to the Children is a handbook to all things Heavy Metal, brought to you by insane prankster and guitar god Zakk Wylde, of Ozzy Osbourne and Black Label Society fame.

This “Complete Berzerker's Guide to World Tour Domination” provides tips and tests for the True Rocker—as wild man Zakk Wylde invites all who dare onto the tour bus for brain-bursting tales of glory, debauchery, and general mayhem in the dangerous metal universe.